there's a particular staple of american vernacular that i've been trying to keep in mind since returning to the states after my exceptional-beyond-words month in europe, but i'm having the hardest time allowing it to stick.

i'm sure you know what i'm talking about, but just in case you shy away from adages, here it is:

«there's no place like home.»

i'm trying to remind myself of this, but it's taking a bit of work.
honestly, i've never felt less «at home» than i do at present.

the term itself has become something i'm trying to define, so i hope you don't mind my rambling a bit in hopes of working this out.


suffice it to say, the holiday was spectacular. we did some of the typical 'touristy' things, but there was a great balance (or, dare i say, focus) on experiencing things from a local perspective. we managed quite well; in fact, there were quite a few occasions where we were even mistaken for locals ourselves, and we tried not to let on whenever possible.
(mike and i have considered moving to europe for awhile now, and this hol was sort of a way to determine whether we should try to realise that; getting a local perspective not only broaden's one's horizons, it also shows the every-day side of things - which is what we were looking for, not the plastic-smile visitor side.)

even with the negatives i/we encountered, the positives were in such large supply, it's hard to feel quite as i did before leaving.

i learned a tremendous lot on this trip - to the point where i really don't feel as though i'm the same person anymore.

this has both an upside and a downside.
on one line, i've learned a lot about myself and have managed to determine what i want from life.
on the other, i've learned a lot about myself and have determined what i want from life.

what i wanted for my future before leaving was a lot more simplistic and an easier sort of path.
what i want for my future after returning is a lot more difficult, exciting, and is far more dependent on my own actions and decisions.

i'm not sure if it's possible to find a balance between my «old» life and this sort of «new» one, and this leaves me in a bit of a difficult place. this hol was sort of a magnifying glass for the way i've been living, likewise a snow-globe shaken upside down and i still don't know where i'm going to settle.


anyhow, where that sugary phrase from before comes into play is basically this: i feel like i've returned to something far more different than it was when i'd left.

things are still done the same way, the people here haven't changed, and it's nothing external; however, i myself have changed, and i feel uprooted in a sense. it's so nice to have the blinders off, but it simultaneously leaves me without dedication.

there are four places especially that i had an overpowering awareness of «home-coming» with. these cities were also the ones where we had the most local experiences, and seeing the less attractive sides of a place and still maintaining that sense made it all the more interesting to me.

now that i've left them, i feel as though i'm -now- on holiday; not returning to those spots is inconceivable to me.


anyhow, i'm still trying to figure out which way to go with myself. if i don't write as much or take a hiatus every now and again, it's likely due to that reason.

i've been going through the mountains of photos taken and will try to get some up soon. despite the sullen tone of this entry, i really am incredibly grateful for the opportunity to go to europe and feel it was the best experience of my life.
i had the most fun i've ever had, i saw some of the most beautiful things i've ever seen, and i met the most amazing people ever.

i will definitely return.